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RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING
- An Overview
- In Depth
- Counseling Approach & Methods
1. An Overview
Often couples spend thousands of dollars preparing
for a wedding ceremony, and barely anything on preparing for decades
of living with the one you’ve chosen as your life partner.
If your relationship is in need of reinforcement
– or even re-building - I offer ways to identify and resolve
the areas that are threatening to the partnership, drawing on a
wide range of methods.
It may first be helpful, and even reassuring, for
you to read (below) about the developmental stages a relationship
typically goes through, before you call me. But if you just want
to pick up the phone right now, jump down to the phone number at
the bottom of the page.
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2. In Depth
Developmental stages
The emotional life of a couple is subject
to predictable stages. It frequently happens that couples seek counseling
once they have reached the need to move into a new developmental
stage together, although they might feel they are close to the end
of their relationship. With patience and understanding they can
work through this stage, while enjoying the growth they will experience
as individuals.
1. The first stage of a relationship is usually
experienced as a state of euphoria coupled with a strong wish to
give single-minded attention to the object of one's affection. It
is this feeling that is the subject of most of our romantic songs,
poems and prose. This creates the bond between the partners that
becomes the foundation of their relationship. This can be among
the most intense and gratifying experiences in ones life. When the
couple enters the next developmental stage, it is often felt as
a loss.
2. Sometime between three months to one year, the
couple notices that some of the feelings of euphoria are subsiding.
They begin to see each other in a more realistic light. Each notices
small faults and differences that were not noticed when they were
in the early months of the union. The partners frequently wonder
why they are falling out of love. Earlier, they each concentrated
on how they were alike and what they didn’t know about the
partner was "filled in" from their own imagination or
experience with others.
3. Asking for time away from a partner, or having
interests that are not shared can seem like abandonment. Areas of
disagreement can create a fear that needs will not be met and the
relationship begins to feel like work. Those who have bought the
"Hollywood " version of love, will think this unpleasantness
means they have the wrong partner and they may choose to move on
to the next relationship hoping to find one that is free of friction;
one that maintains the euphoric feelings indefinitely.
Here’s the good news: if they choose to stay
together and work through their differences, it can become a time
of growth and of deepened intimacy.
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3. Counseling Approach
& Methods
This is the point at which couples frequently seek
the help of a counselor. At home, each partner may find him/herself
becoming defensive, for example, and want coaching on how to avoid
this pitfall.
Couples counseling generally takes a more directive
approach than does individual counseling. Elements of coaching enhance
its effectiveness and shorten the counseling process. That said,
I tailor my methods to fit client needs.
My role is to assist you in the following:
- Understanding the underlying meaning of your issues. Couples
can describe areas of conflict that repeat over and over, but
the pain felt is rarely the result of the action described, and
has more to do with the meaning that it holds. Helping a couple
decode the messages behind the complaints allows them to more
quickly access their true feelings.
- Learning to express empathy. This does not require that one
abandon one’s needs or position, but that an understanding
of the partner’s emotions is added to the understanding of
the problem. This also deepens intimacy.
- Learning communication skills that reflect the true nature of
needs and wants. Once the couple has developed trust in their
new-found ability to speak their truth with empathy and directness,
future problems or differences can be handled with more confidence.
It is this learned ability to communicate with one another that
most affects relationship stability and growth.
In a Conscious Relationship or Marriage you are
able to take responsibility for communicating your needs and desires
to your partner, and trust that you will be seen & heard whenever
possible.
Seek help early. Once a couple becomes locked in
automatic responses for long periods of time, the animosity created
can make intervention more difficult.
These are Communications Tools that Build and Strengthen
Relationships.
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